You’re Tired of Criticizing Your Kids

Are you tired of criticizing your kids? You feel bad about being judgmental and harsh, but you catch yourself calling out their mistakes or unfinished chores. You want to help them to grow and improve, but it comes out wrong, and communication ends up in tears and hurt feelings.

Perhaps you make fun of your kids because that was how you were treated growing up. It was awful, but now it’s a default response with your kids.

Or do you catch yourself looking over your shoulder, wanting your kids to be perfect so you are seen as a good mom?

Learn how to stop criticism and judgment and replace them with a positive, encouraging atmosphere in your home so that you can communicate with your kids and stay connected.

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What Criticism Is and Isn’t

Criticism. Let’s start with what it is and what it isn’t.

Criticism is thought. Thought, expressed in words, opinions or judgments about the good or bad qualities of someone or something. Criticism can be constructive, offering solutions and ways to improve, or destructive, finding fault. Most of the time, judgment labels situations or people harshly, such as lazy, trouble-maker, liar, or forgetful.

Would you agree that judgment and criticism create division or hurt more than useful change in someone?

Consider this. You do not have to approve of what someone did, but mulling it over in your mind, staying in judgment, and criticizing them tends to create more hurt and frustration in your mind rather than useful change in them.

These critical thoughts and judgments are based on your interpretation – not facts. Sometimes we say, “I’m just being honest or just stating the facts,” but most often we add a thought or opinion about it. In other words, the judgment is the thought about the fact.

Now, let’s talk about what criticism isn’t. It isn’t based on objective facts or neutral circumstances, separate from emotion. A neutral circumstance could be dirty dishes left in the sink, not in the dishwasher. It’s an objective fact. There they are! There’s no emotion there until we have the thought, “Come on, kids. How many times do I have to tell you to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?”

A neutral circumstance could be that she missed the deadline. Didn’t get the work done on time. Just stating the facts, right? But listen to the thought or opinion, “We can’t rely on her. She is always late. Why would we think she will pull through this time?”

Neutral circumstances are:

• My son slammed his bedroom door.

• The laundry is still in the dryer.

• My child can’t find his shoe again.

• The toddler got out of bed three times last night.

• The bathroom light is on.

• The backpack is by the front door.

• My daughter said, “I don’t want to.”

• There are toys on the living room floor.

Did you feel all the feelings and emotions with those neutral circumstances? I did! And that’s OK. We were designed to experience and know the facts with all the emotions and feelings that come with them.

What is important to know is that criticism and judgment are not the same thing as an objective fact. We can differentiate the two and respond, or communicate, with our kids with compassion and patience instead of criticism and judgment.

That’s the goal of this Renewed Mama podcast episode.

The better way is to notice the facts, take responsibility for your thoughts and words, and respond from compassion and clarity instead of judgment and criticism.

Thoughts are not facts. They are interpretations.

The facts: There are toys on the floor, dishes in the sink, and craft supplies on the counters.

The interpretation: “My house is always a disaster. Everywhere I look, I see a mess. Why can’t these kids clean up after themselves?”

The fact: The kids are arguing.

The interpretation:  “My kids are rude to each other. They never get along. There is no peace in this house, ever.”

So, why are we quick to criticize and judge? What’s behind criticism and judgment? Let’s explore that next. Then we’ll focus on the facts and talk about how to respond with patience and understanding.

I asked moms like you why they are quick to criticize and judge, and here’s what they said:

1. They Want to See Their Kids Grow

We believe the best for our kids. They can do great things. We want to help them succeed in life and prepare them for challenges. However, in an attempt to protect them from future mistakes, we focus on their minor mistakes today and end up pushing too hard.

For example: Your child does most of his homework well, but has sloppy handwriting, made a few spelling mistakes, and skipped a question. You say, “You need to fix this. This handwriting is messy. You forgot this.” You want to help them do better, but mentioning all of the mistakes at once makes your child feel, “No matter how hard I try, Mom sees what I did wrong first.”

Instead, say: “You worked hard on this. I see a lot of good work here. There’s just one question left to finish, and then you’re done.”

That feels very different, and you can come back to penmanship and spelling mistakes another time.

2. They are Concerned What Others Think of Them as a Parent

The second reason moms said they are quick to criticize and judge their kids is when concerned about what others think of them as a parent. We want “perfect little kids” to show that we are good moms.

I remember sitting in a parenting class at church back when our girls were little, under four years old. We were going around the circle of parents answering what worries us most about parenting. There were lots of good answers about teaching them about Jesus and raising good kids. The leader finished by saying, “I worry that my kids behave at other people’s houses and aren’t the kind of kids people can’t wait to leave or don’t want to invite back. I want them to see that I’m a good parent.” That’s exactly what I was thinking, but I was too afraid to share it.

I want to be a good mom. I’ve worked hard on myself to think, speak, and respond better and to communicate better with my kids. I’m not perfect by any means, but I’ve done a lot of work to become a renewed mama. So, I’m OK for others to see it and say, “You’re a good mom.”

3. Out of Their Anxiety, Stress, Overwhelm, Perfectionism, or Failures

The third reason moms said they are quick to criticize and judge their kids is out of their anxieties, stress, overwhelm, perfectionism, or perceived failures. One mom talked of being made fun of as a kid and not wanting her kids to feel the way she did.

Knowing all of this, let’s focus on the circumstantial facts to deliberately choose to respond to our kids with patience and understanding rather than criticism and judgment.

Swap Criticism for Curiosity

Even if you know everything about your kids or you’ve been over this one thing a hundred times with them, be curious instead of criticizing.

Ask questions such as:

• “Tell me how come you did…” or “What happened?” not “Why did you do that? What were you thinking?”

• “Help me understand what’s going on. What’s making this hard right now?”

• “I’m here for you. How can I help you through these big feelings?”

The goal is to stop assuming defiance, especially if you’ve been over it a hundred times, and start assuming a need. Where is there a break in the communication or understanding or teaching on my part as mom?

A lot of what we call “attitude” or “defiance” is actually a skills gap. Children need help transitioning or being flexible with change. They are gaining emotional regulation and frustration tolerance. They need to grow in focus and attention in this very distracted world.

Instead of “He’s being bad,” think, “Something’s going on. What does he need?”

Instead of “She’s doing this on purpose,” think, “She’s having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.”

Now there is curiosity, compassion, grace, patience, and clarity.

If your child made a mistake, say, “I’m proud of you for trying. Mistakes are part of learning. Let’s look at this one again and figure it out.”

If handwriting is messy, say, “You got your ideas down really well. Let’s slow down a little on the next line so it’s easier to read.”

If your child is frustrated, say, “I can tell this feels hard right now. But you’re not failing. You’re learning. Let’s do one question at a time.”

If your child rushed, say, “I love that you got started right away. Next, let’s work on taking a little more time so your great work really shows.”

Saying it these ways helps your child think, “I’m capable. I’m learning. Mom sees the good in me.”

Let’s do a few more:

Instead of “You never listen.” say, “What did you hear me ask you to do?”

Or, “I need you to listen the first time. Let’s practice stopping, looking at me, and answering right away.”

Rather than saying, “You’re so messy.” Say, “This room needs attention. Let’s start with the clothes first, then the toys.”

Instead of “You were rude to your brother.” Say, “I know you didn’t mean it, but that came across as unkind. Let’s think of a better way you could say that.”

Instead of “You always forget.” Say, “It looks like you forgot again. What would help you remember next time?”

Rather than saying, “That’s not good enough.” Say, “You’ve made a good start. Let me show you how to make it even better.”

There may be times when you need to stay consistent and firm and say:

“I believe you can do hard things. The rule is still the rule.”

“You’re a good kid learning self-control. Would you try that again, please?”

“I’m not mad at you—I’m helping you.”

This is how you keep peace and authority without sliding into harshness.

Do you feel like this constructive correction gives a child both truth and tools? Is this helpful?

All of this goes for self-judgment, too. Being critical of yourself is unnecessary and counterproductive. If there is something you do not like about yourself, beating yourself up over it is usually not what changes it. Instead, acknowledge it, take ownership of it. Then make a plan to change. What can you do differently tomorrow? Are there new thoughts and beliefs you need to have around this area of change? What new words do you need to speak? Can you use your imagination to picture a new way of responding?

Catch Yourself Being Critical, Judgmental, and Hard on Yourself?

Is there an area of your life and your parenting where you catch yourself being critical, judgmental, and hard on yourself?

Have you thought of an accountability partner, a coach, to help you work through that area to overcome it and make lasting change?

Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” 

If you are still trying to do better in your communication with your kids and stay calm and patient with the same frustrated, annoyed, or overwhelmed thoughts,  you won’t get anywhere but stuck, as you already are. 

Renewed Mama Coaching helps you renew your thoughts, words, and responses specific to your children and what you are facing. I promise that you will become the mama you want to be in our one-on-one coaching sessions. 

Renewed Mama Coaching is for you if: 

• You want to speak kind words to your kids, but you didn’t grow up in an encouraging home.

• You feel like you are talking to the air. Surely your kids have selective hearing.

• You wish for a quarter every time you have to repeat yourself. 

• You focus on their negative behavior more than encouraging them.

• You count to ten a lot, trying (hoping) to stay patient. 

Book your coaching sessions at Renewed Mama Coaching.