Things I Do to Get My Kids to Open Up and Talk

“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” Peter F. Drucker said this.

We’ve been talking about better communication with our children. I know you want to better hear and understand what your children, your teens, are and aren’t saying because you opened this blog to read.

A youth leader said that a lot of teens come to her to talk because they feel they are already beating themselves up. They don’t need their parents to, either.

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Listen First

Say, “I hear you.” Don’t jump to conclusions, thinking you already know what they are going to say or why they did what they did.

Don’t blow up. Smile. Nod your head. Listen.

Ideally, stop what you are doing and look them in the eyes. Sometimes, I know, that’s not possible. We do need to multitask. For example, feeding the baby and listening – chopping veggies and listening – stirring pasta cooking on the stove and listening.

I say things like: “Come with me. Let’s talk while I fold this laundry.”

“I’m totally listening while I make this salad for dinner.”

Listen well, and say, “Thank you for telling me.” “Ooo! Ahh! What? Crazy! That’s amazing! That’s interesting. So glad you shared that with me. I didn’t know that about…” Ask questions to show interest and to understand more.

If your teen shares something hard for you to swallow, say, “May I think about that and come back to you?”

Continue learning about your kids, their interests, likes, dislikes and explore them together. Listen first. It’s a wonderful foundation for creating connection.

Reflect Understanding

Next, I reflect understanding. We all want to feel understood. Kids calm down and feel safe when they feel “gotten.”

Picture this. It’s 10 pm. My son asks, “May I have a brownie?” My oldest promised all week that she would make brownies on Saturday, so we were anticipating these. The house still smelled amazing at 10 pm from her two batches of brownies, one for us, and one for watching the Super Bowl with friends.

So when my son came to me at 10 pm asking if he could have a brownie, I said, “O, I want to have a brownie, too! But, I have to say no because it’s too late to eat brownies. I’m telling myself no because I want one, too!”

He asked, “May I have a brownie in the morning?” “Yes, after you have protein. That looks like an egg or leftover dinner from tonight. For now, if you are hungry, have a little yogurt or clementine or a banana.”

I reflected understanding. We were in the same boat, wanting another brownie, and having to say no together. I compromised with permission to have a brownie in the morning after he had protein, and I gave him choices for what to snack on now. He went away happy, and we ate some oranges together.

You can reflect understanding by saying:

“I know it’s going to sound crazy, but I had the same thing happen to me when I was in grade 5. There was this boy named Danny who…” Tell them your story and invite them to open up about their experience.

Pull out old report cards or writing journals from school. Laugh over how you used to spell when you were little. Let them find your spelling or punctuation mistakes. Then say, “Want to work together so your spelling and punctuation are way better than mine?”

Recognize Their Feelings

Don’t downplay or minimize their feelings; “O, that’s not hard. You’ll be OK. It’ll all work out.” Their feelings are big and real to them.

Instead, “OOO, Ahh!” like I mentioned earlier. Say, “Tell me more about that,” and listen. Now’s not the time to fix the situation, but to listen and empathize.

Oftentimes, I remind myself that when my children or a tutoring student shares something about their day, the classroom or other classmates, they just want me to listen. They don’t want me to solve it or give them a lecture or advice. In the moment, I listen, show understanding, and recognize their feelings.

Usually, the opportunity to speak to their character or how they can think or respond or what they can believe about the situation they shared comes up later, when the emotion or frustration has calmed. That’s more of a teachable opportunity than when they are worked up about it.

I say all of that to say, there are, of course, times we need to correct in the moment. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. If your child is hitting, taking a toy away without asking, speaking hurtful words, correct it. We treat each other with honor and respect.

Sometimes you need to say, “I get it, but the rule is….”

“I know it feels unfair, but…we’re still turning it off.”

“I know you are upset, but we do not talk that way. We speak kind words.”

“I know you want that toy, but we ask first when someone else is playing with it.”

You’ll know when correction needs to happen and when to address the concern when their heart is teachable.

Address the Concern when Their Heart is Teachable

Come back to the moment later when they are calm, and their heart is ready to receive the instruction.

Say, “I was thinking about earlier when it was frustrating to turn off your device because you were really into that game. I remember a time when I was angry at something my mom told me to do…” Then tell a story. Speak to their character and how to respond the next time it happens. This is how we guide our children and help them to grow.

You also know your children well. If a temper tantrum or friction happened over a rule or request, or an unmet expectation in the past, think now how you can handle it when it happens again. How will you respond? How will you stay calm? What will you say to be encouraging while firm and speaking life? Then pre-game them. Tell them in advance how it’s going to go, how they are to respond or behave when you give them instructions. 

I highly recommend listening to this podcast episode, where I share about the pre-game huddle.

Let’s end with a few declarations about communication. These can be found in the Speak Life Badges sticker award books.

• I teach and communicate easily with my kids. Communications between my kids and me are fun, clear, heard, and honored.

• I am the one my children come to talk to. They come to me to share their hearts; and I do not judge, condemn, or take offence. My love for them is unconditional.

• I know how to instruct and discipline my kids in ways that show my love for them, that motivate them to succeed and to reach their full potential.

• I empower my kids with my spoken words of life. My words produce confidence, focus, vision, teamwork, health, and life in my children. My words of life speak truth over them and demolish any lies they are believing from school, their peers, and the media.

Need Help Communicating with Your Kids?

Feel stuck in criticism, negativity, or constant correction? Always calling out what your kids do wrong? Shift your communication to connection, encouragement, and motivation with Renewed Mama Coaching. Go to Renewed Mama Coaching and book your first two coaching chats with me.

Your parenting, the peace in your home, better relationships with your children, less outbursts and temper tantrums, and a strong, positive mom mindset can be yours.  Reach out at Renewed Mama Coaching.