Raise Kids Who Listen

When we communicate well with our children, we help them feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. And there’s more peace at home, right?

As we grow in our communication skills as parents, we want to help our kids learn to communicate better with each other. I have three communication skills we can improve on, and we can help our kids develop in their own lives.

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Focus on Others, Not Me

In other words, thinking of others when communicating, not thinking that it’s all about me. It’s a spotlight switch.

Here are a few tips to help us and our kids focus on others, not me.

• Ask 1-2 questions about the other person or what they are saying before sharing your idea or story. It could sound like, “Wow! What did you think when that happened? That’s crazy. How do you feel? How did you come up with that? Have you experienced that before? What part was the hardest/funniest/best?”

• Ask clarifying questions to get more details. “What did you mean by…? Hold on. Let me make sure I understand. Tell me more about…” This shows genuine interest and care about the person, even if you aren’t interested in hearing another __you fill in the blank__ story, you focus on others. You might end up finding it more interesting than you thought.

Don’t Interrupt Someone

You can hear it now. Everyone is talking at the same time, or someone is telling a story, and another child jumps in to share. It happens. I do it.

Interrupting is often excitement, wanting to be included in the fun telling of the story, wanting to be seen and heard, or the fear of forgetting what they want to say. It’s like you need a Wait Button.

What can you do?

• A physical cue always helps. Think of raising your hand at school and waiting to be called on. I’ve raised my hand at home when I wanted to add to the story, without interrupting my kids.

• Another physical cue could be to clasp your hands together. It’s like a memory cue that means, “I’m going to hold that thought.” The thought is right here in my hands to share it when the other person is done talking.

If they interrupt, practice saying, “Ooops, sorry. Go ahead.” Or “I cut you off. What were you saying?”

Speak Life Badges sticker awards: “I Am Patient, I Am Thoughtful, I Put Others First, and I Am a Good Friend” are a great way to encourage and celebrate your children when they focus on others and don’t interrupt.

Value Others’ Ideas

We are all learning, growing, exploring new things, taking in the world, and all that is going on. We form ideas, perceptions, and conclusions. Valuing others’ ideas means helping them feel seen, understood, and valued, regardless of whether we agree or disagree with their ideas.

When my kids were little, I showed I valued them and their ideas by buying what they wrote on the grocery list. When they were learning to write and spell, I asked them to write things on the next grocery list while I worked in the kitchen. If they snuck something on the list like marshmallows or chips, I bought it. They thought it was the best thing, and while I keep a close eye on the foods we eat, I wanted them to know that I valued their input. So I made these little exceptions once in a while.

Value your kids by asking, “What do you think we should do about this?” “What time should we leave so we don’t feel rushed to get out the door?” “What should we do to get ready? Anything we can put by the door?” This makes them feel included and important.

Using “we” language is super helpful. It says “we’re in this together.”  We’re naturally less defensive and more cooperative. “What’s our plan?” “How can we make it fair?” “Let’s combine ideas.” “Want to vote or take turns?”

Mirroring or rephrasing what a person says also helps them feel valued, like you are really listening. “So, you were saying…” You can add to what they said, “And we could also….” Or get their opinion by asking, “So, what do you think is better for us to do?” Then offer two options.

We’re asking questions again, aren’t we? This helps us to hear and understand each other and their ideas without jumping to conclusions.

Need Help Raising Kids Who Listen?

I am here for you. If you want to get better at communicating with your children, join Renewed Mama Coaching. Your kids might look at you funny because you’re making changes in yourself, not forcing them to change.

Renewed Mama Coaching is for you if: 

• You want to speak kind words to your kids, but you didn’t grow up in an encouraging home.

• You feel like you are talking to the air. Surely your kids have selective hearing.

• You wish for a quarter every time you have to repeat yourself. 

• You focus on their negative behavior more than encouraging them.

• You count to ten a lot, trying (hoping) to stay patient. 

Book your coaching sessions at Renewed Mama Coaching.