How I Talk so My Kids Listen

Does it feel hard, even impossible sometimes, to communicate with your kids? Has their phone or tablet “won” their attention? Bedtime, homework, chores, and putting away their toys always become a negotiation. Are there big emotions at small requests? Only hear one-word answers like “fine,” “nothing,” “I don’t know,” especially from your teens?

You can have great communication with your kids. I know because I live it every day with my three kids. Now, I didn’t say our communication was perfect. I still get selective hearing and blank stares because their device blocked out my voice. I still hear, “Mom!” “What’d you ask me to do?” But it’s rare.

In our house, we have fun talking together. In fact, more times than I can count, I am filled to the brim with joy at the conversations we get into, deep and meaningful, and silly tangents, too. We hear each other out, even if that means staying in the icky, high strife, annoyance with each other until it is resolved or forgiven.

You can have this same honor and connection in your house regardless of what it’s like now.

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How Do I Talk so My Kids Listen?

• I acknowledge their contributions (how they help and work together as a team).

• I reflect understanding and recognize their feelings even if I don’t relate to them or already know and believe they’ll make it through this tough moment. I just sit and feel with them because it’s totally real to them.

• I value their ideas and help them to feel included.

• I try as hard as I can to listen fully, not interrupting or jumping to conclusions. I’m working on this one.

• I’ve worked super hard at not being critical or judgmental, remembering that they are learning and growing. They’re kids!

• The most important one, for me, is to apologize when I mess up.

What Frustrates Parents When Communicating with Their Kids

A frustration I hear from parents is getting their teens to open up and talk.

Parents feel they are approachable to their teens, but most kids don’t experience it that way. Pew Research Center, in an article called Teens, Social Media, and Mental Health reported that 80% of parents say they’re highly comfortable talking with their teen about their teen’s mental health, but only 52% of teens say they feel highly comfortable talking with a parent about it.

Why is this?

One is that, as parents, we can push for details. We really want to understand, we want to reduce uncertainty, solve it for them, step in and protect them from hurt.

All of these are good and OK, but the flip side of the coin is that our kids feel they need to protect their autonomy and their privacy. They fear consequences and want to avoid a lecture. Before we know it, everyone gets defensive and says a lot of what they don’t really mean.

The Truth about How We Talk to Our Kids

Great communication with your kids is possible. Say these declarations:

• I’m good at acknowledging their contributions around the house. I am generous with my thank yous.

My kids gladly help with chores – and yours will, too, if you follow the three tips I share inside this episode.

• I choose to reflect understanding and recognize their feelings because what they’re going through is totally real to them.

Struggling to get your kids to open up and talk? In this episode, I share how to reflect understanding and recognize their feelings.

• I value their ideas and help them to feel included in our family decisions.

• I am committed to listening fully, not interrupting or jumping to conclusions.

• I put off a critical or judgmental attitude and remind myself that they are learning and growing. I am their teacher, helping them to learn and grow as a person.

• I am quick to apologize when I mess up.

Looking for a Special, Sticky Way to Communicate and Encourage Your Kids?

The I Am Smart sticker book has the sticker award badges: I did not give up. I kept trying, I faced a challenge today and succeeded, It’s easy! I’ve got this!

The I Am Priceless sticker book has the sticker award badges: I am a winner, I am a champion, I am persistent, I am patient, (Being patient with themselves as they don’t give up is so powerful!), and I am extraordinary. I must throw that one in there, too, because your children and students are extraordinary!

When Charlotte got her I am a great reader sticker, she said no one else had made her feel so happy about her reading before. Your words of life with a Speak Life Badge are a powerful duo. You can get Speak Life Badges sticker award books here.

Need Help Communicating with Your Kids?

Feel stuck in criticism, negativity, or constant correction? Always calling out what your kids do wrong? Shift your communication to connection, encouragement, and motivation with Renewed Mama Coaching. Go to Renewed Mama Coaching and book your first two coaching chats with me.

Your parenting, the peace in your home, better relationships with your children, less outbursts and temper tantrums, and a strong, positive mom mindset can be yours.  Reach out at Renewed Mama Coaching.