How Changing Yourself, Mom, Helps Your Child Feel Understood

Every child wants to be seen, heard, and understood. They want to be valued and to feel valuable.

When, as a kid, did you feel seen, heard, understood, and valuable? How old were you? Where were you? What happened that made you feel seen, heard, understood, and valuable? Who was with you?

Our children carry moments of feeling seen, heard, understood, and valuable with them through life.

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Now, think of a moment in the past when you had a hard time communicating with your child. Focus on one child and one moment, preferably one that happens repeatedly.

Where are you? What’s happening? What’s causing the struggle or miscommunication? The temper tantrum? How have you handled it in the past? What did you say? What did you do? How has your child responded? How do you wish things would go or be resolved if or when it happens again?

Now, let’s talk through how to communicate well the next time it happens.

Stay Calm

Choose to keep yourself calm in the moment, no matter how frustrating it is, or how many times you told them not to, or how late you are getting out the door.

Remember that Your Child Matters More

Sometimes, cleaning up broken glass is a big deal when you don’t have time. Sometimes, you want them to hurry it up already, or stop nagging their sister, or stop the temper tantrum in the Walmart aisle. And that feels like a bigger deal than communicating with your child and reflecting understanding.

You may not naturally think, “What is it they need right now?” like you did when they were a baby and couldn’t communicate what they needed or wanted. In those moments, you have to remind yourself that “My child matters more right now.” Meaning, their heart. What is it they need right now? What’s the need behind how they are behaving?

Listen and Observe

Pause and take a moment to help you not jump to conclusions, frustration, shouting, or annoyance.

Now, you know your child well. If you consider the moment you just journaled about, you know well how it normally goes down. You’re here to improve that, to communicate well, to stay connected with your child, and to help them so it doesn’t have to keep happening again, right?

Changing Yourself First, Mom

The biggest breakthrough you can get today is that it isn’t really about changing your kids and their behavior. It’s about changing you first. Changing how you think, speak, and respond in the moment. This will open the door to connection with your child.

So, in the moment, you’re staying calm. You’re remembering, my child matters most, not the spilled milk or toothpaste squeezed out of the tube. You’re observing, listening, taking in the moment, pausing. All of these only need to take seconds.

Then you tune in to your thoughts, your words, so that you choose your best response. Doing this will help your child feel seen, heard, understood, and valuable.

What Tuning in to Your Thoughts and Words Looks Like

Look back to the moment with your child you journaled about.

• What were your thoughts, in the past, when it happened?

• What are your thoughts about it now?

• What new thoughts about yourself, your child, and the moment should you have?

Be general and then work your way to being very specific by asking Why? to each new thought you have.

Example: I wish he would listen and follow directions the first time I ask. Why? It’s easier and faster. Why? I don’t have time to deal with it. Why? It blows up into a big ordeal. When I was a kid, I learned that if I just followed directions the first time, I got special privileges that my other siblings didn’t.

Asking why again and again helps you get to the root of your frustration or annoyance.

Then consider: What new words should you say to yourself and your child about the moment, in the moment, when it’s happening again?

Example: I am patient. I want to help my son learn to follow directions the first time so he can be trusted in his job someday. He can honor and help his wife when she asks for something. God has big assignments for him, and when he hears God tell him to go, he goes.

What new way should you respond in the moment?

Example: I could tell him about the time when following directions the first time, my mom, his grandma, asked me to do something, and I did it right away and got to play outside the rest of the day, while my sister had to stay in and help clean the house. I can tell him about how I followed my teacher’s directions, and it helped me get a better grade.

Can you anticipate how your child will respond? Can you anticipate how you will feel in the moment if it happens again and it turns out the way you are brainstorming now?

Take Small, Simple Steps to Changing Yourself

This isn’t about overhauling all of your thoughts, words, and responses today. This is about being intentional, especially about a moment that happens regularly with your child. You are pausing, evaluating, and making a plan to support yourself and your child in the future. That’s huge!

Small, simple steps or changes lead to wins, which lead to new habits and better connections. It’s about incremental progress until one day you say, “Temper tantrums? I can’t even remember the last time we had a temper tantrum to deal with.”

That has been my story. Staying intentional about small, simple steps.

Need Help Making these Changes in Yourself?

When you join Renewed Mama Coaching, your kids might look at you funny because you’re making changes in yourself, not forcing them to change.

Renewed Mama Coaching is for you if: 

• You want to speak kind words to your kids, but you didn’t grow up in an encouraging home.

• You feel like you are talking to the air. Surely your kids have selective hearing.

• You wish for a quarter every time you have to repeat yourself. 

• You focus on their negative behavior more than encouraging them.

• You count to ten a lot, trying (hoping) to stay patient. 

Reach out at Renewed Mama Coaching.